


Shit, let’s be super.

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [18]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (more to be added with subsequent chapters) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Childhood Abduction/Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:51:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19984099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt





	1. Chapter 1

"Dude's quite possibly the dumbest antagonist ever to exist."

"Yeah, he _really_ sucks."

"I feel embarrassed for him... I mean, it's still funny as shit."

"Word."

They watch from the surveillance camera as he hops from foot to foot and attempts to engage in a round of fisticuffs with John, who is twenty feet above him. The latter looks equal parts perplexed and bored. He messages them from his glasses. Roxy pulls out her phone, but Dirk just views it with his cybernetics.

[EB: so, do i knock him out, or…?]

[TG: i mean has he even done anything illegal? aside from causin a ridonkulous scene]

[EB: i don't think so! he just wants to quote C'MON DOWN AND FACE OFF WITH ME MAN-TO-MAN! PUT UP YOUR DUKES; LET'S HAVE SOME PROPER SCRUMS! THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN CANTOWN, MISTER WHOOSHY, IT’S TIME TO DUEL!!! unquote.]

[TT: Yeah, I got all of that. Between his unaltered voice and a DNA sample, we should have a profile on him in a couple of minutes.]

[TG: wait wait

TG: mister WHOOSHY?? lmfaoo]

[EB: i told him that was my name. you know, for shits and giggles.]

[TG: respect

TG: ok so john we're gonna need you to yoink a hair or somethin]

[EB: with pleasure! hehehehehe.]

He dissipates into wind, leaving "The Green Skull" baffled until he reforms behind him silently and plucks several hairs from underneath his helmet for good measure.

"Yeowch!!!"

He spins around, but John's already gone, leaving a couple hairs flying away.

"What was that?! Where'd you go, you sly devil? … Mister Whooshy?"

"He doesn’t know about The Windy Thing? Holy shit, that's, like, Superhero 101."

"This is fuckin' hilarious," she giggles, leaning back in her chair.

"You have to come back; they're going to serve my keister on a silver platter if I don’t defeat at least ONE of you do-gooders!!!"

They almost pity the villain-wannabe as he trudges away, shoulders slumped. He stands out in the open, fiddling with a wrist gadget. A familiar vehicle appears behind him moments later, and he startles before getting pulled into it. It speeds away.

"The Felt must be getting desperate if they're sending out guys like him. Maybe we should just interrogate next time."

"Bold of you to assume there'll _be_ a next time."

"... Fuck. I should, uh-"

"Don't worry; Miss Zipperlips won't tell," she winks. He thanks her awkwardly before pulling up his personal operating system, sending out a drone to track them. She keeps John busy when he returns, and they joke about the guy's antics.

"He talked like a corny grandpa, but there's no way he's older than us. It’s like he was auditioning for evil Robin from the fifties' _Batman!_ I couldn't tell if he was serious about any of the things I actually understood…"

She snorts, shaking her head as she runs the DNA test and loads Dirk’s audio. As promised, they scan the vast databases and come up with a profile. Meanwhile, the drone locates and latches onto the vehicle so they can finally find The Felt's hideout. It’s… hidden in plain sight, albeit several towns away. A huge fuckin' green mansion- everything's green with them.

"Shit, they have some fast rides."

"Huh?"

"Just talkin' to myself. So, who is he?"

"An unlucky bastard- one of those orphans that've been MIA since they were lil. Name's Jake- at least, it was, and he's our age like you said, Johnny. There's nothin' else on 'im 'cept random sightings of his aged-up mug. At a laundromat, mostly... Oh, here he's tryna pet an unsupervised dog. Hah."

Dirk pushes his swivel chair over, checking out the traffic cam footage as she loops it.

He crosses the street and looks around before sneaking over, somehow unaware of the obvious fisheye lens disguised as a mirror in front of him. The inbred chihuahua lunges viciously upon his approach, and he nearly falls backwards, then speedwalks the opposite direction.

Dirk stares at the picture still up on the screen thoughtfully.

"There’s no way he signed up for a life of crime."

"Well, duhhh."

"John."

"Yeah?"

"Can we keep this… "incident" between the three of us?"

"Uh, sure, I guess… Just don't try to drag me into one of your dumb schemes!"

"Not necessary. Thanks."

Once the vehice stops moving, he turns his attention back to the drone, detaching it and switching on its viewer. They're in a dark… chamber? lair? garage? with a bunch more wacky devices. Two burly men haul the kid out, dragging him up a twisted staircase until they reach a back entrance to the ritzy mansion. The door shuts after them automatically, locking the drone out.

"... Think they have WiFi in there?"

"Gimme the drone for a few- I bet I can hack 'em."

He obliges, transferring control to her computer. She goes to town like a kid playing a videogame.

"Honestly, I was just wondering if he has access to the online world."

"Mm, yeah, and they ain't even got a password. What a buncha chumps," she laughs. "They're waaay less tech-savvy than we thought."

"Which wasn't much to begin with."

"Yyyyep. So there're a couple connections- one's literally called "Jake’s Skulltop." I'm guessin' that's what we're lookin' for."

"Fucking incredible. How are these guys not in jail?"

"Uh, that's p obv… Di-Stri, they're the type that ghostruns the gov like some hotshot mafia. Ain't it fishy how they keep "escaping" or gettin' joke sentences with low bail? The system's rigged, I tell ya."

…

She blows a particularly large bubble, then bites through it with an audible pop.

"I hate people... The eighth wonder of the world is why I haven't become a supervillain."

"I know, baby, but you're doin' great."

"Thanks."

"D'ya still want his info or whatev or d'ya need a break from the crippling pain of your existence?"

"The latter can wait. What's his history?"

"Netflix, Hulu, a fetish site for juicy blue-"

"Any social media?"

"Just TalkApp."

"That'll work."

"... Are you tryna get dicked down or what?"

"Definitely. I'm dying for some GILF tussles of the bedroom variety."

"Nice~"

"Wait, that was sarcasm. I'm just trying to stop him from getting killed, since he clearly has no goddamn clue what he's doing."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll cover for ya."

"Much appreciated, as usual."

She blows a bubble against his cheek affectionately, and he pats her head. Once she waltzes away, he spritzes the skin with disinfectant.

He takes her spot, hiding the drone and putting it into hibernation mode. He's not concerned about them replicating the technology or using it to find their hideout; he just doesn't want to waste a good drone is all. The biggest guy has a habit of smashing everything, and the gun guys have a habit of, well, shooting everything, but the others would find their own unique ways to destroy it if given the chance.

Making a new account, he adds golgothasTerror on her computer. He accepts immediately.

[GT: Howdy doodly! Do i know you?]

"Howdy doodly?" he laughs under his breath.

[TT: Hey. Doubt it; I just saw your work.]

[GT: My… work? Apologies but i think you may have me mixed up with another fellow.]

[TT: Your performance today- high on theatrics, I'll give you that. Before you panic and block me, just hear me out.

TT: I want to help you. Train you. Teach you the ways of a true warrior. What do you say?]

[GT: …

GT: What do i SAY??? I say youre full of crock! Why would some cryptic stranger want to *help* me?!

GT: Go find someone else to stalk because i am NOT INTERESTED thank you very much.]

[TT: Can't say I didn't try. If you change your mind, I'll be here.

TT: Also, based on my stats, there's an 78.2% chance of you not living past the end of your next assignment.]

[GT: Whoah wait hold the flippin phone! Someones going to kill me?! How do you know???]

[TT: Dude, The Felt tries to off kids like they're a dime a dozen. You'd be safer in jail.

TT: Think about it. Subjuggalo, the second Handmaid, Chuckles- fucking Chuckles. They all disappeared after they failed their missions, didn't they? Never came back to your old-timey mansion.]

[GT: … Croaking cripernaughts im going to die in a week.]

[TT: With that attitude, maybe. But not if you give me a chance.]

[GT: Fine! What do you want?]

[TT: Are you allowed to roam free?]

[GT: Er… Sort of? See i have this bomb slash tracking device slash intercom on my wrist and its fit like a handcuff so i cant very well make a run for it without their permission and supervision...]

[TT: I can work with that, hypothetically.

TT: Did they give you any weapons or specific objectives?]

[GT: Oh for sure! I just have to take out a hero. Ive got LOADS of guns and rayguns and other things that look like guns but arent.

GT: Im a pretty decent shot too but it didnt feel right to pull one on mister whooshy since he wouldnt take the bait! Ok mostly he was too far up to fall. I wouldve tranqed him like a loose horse if he hadnt left me high and dry and everything wouldve been peachy keen! Idve used my smoke pellet gun at the same time to make it *look* like he went kablamo without actually having to do the deed... A costume change and memory zap later we're good to go! It wouldve been a case of fiendish doublecrossing! Classic villainy! But no of course i didnt get to take him down in the metaphorical or literal sense. Today friggin SUCKED.]

[TT: Right.

TT: And do you actually have any powers? When Damara made her debut she got right down to fucking shit up, but you… You don't seem like the type.]

[GT: Thats a nice way to put it.

GT: To my knowledge theres nothing special about me. Im not sure why they singled me out in the first place.]

[TT: It’s fine, man. You'll be fine if you do what I say.]

[GT: Oh god this is exactly how the thugs lure you in in movies. How do i know i can trust you?!]

[TT: Uh. Give me a sec.]

After much hassle, the drone finds Jake's window and knocks on it. He jumps exactly like he did with the demonic chihuahua.

[TT: Here's your new buddy.]

[GT: Fuck you timaeus i nearly shat myself!!]

[TT: Welcome.]

Dirk makes it wave a limb. He studies it through the glass before hesitantly opening the window. He looks like he's bracing for it to fire lasers at him.

[TT: It’s not armed, in case you're wondering. I should give you a heads-up that I can see you through it, though. If you're skeeved out, you can just shut the lens.]

[GT: … Who are you? You know everything about me so its only fair that i know a bit about you.]

[TT: That is fair, in theory. Unfortunately, shit's classified for the time-being.

TT: Also, believe it or not, I don't know much about you. That says a lot, considering I can pull up walls of data on most people.

TT: Rest assured that I'm not a stalker, though.]

[GT: Im all kinds of assured. NOT!

GT: Ok sorry for being a douchenozzle. If your intent *is* pure altruism i apologize and do appreciate it.

GT: Could you at least ah tell me your favorite film?]

[TT: Cant say i have a favorite. I like the metaphysical aesthetic of Batman, though.]

[GT: So youre a dc chap? I like both!]

[TT: They say Marvel has better heroes and DC has better villains, but I don't give enough of a shit to take any stance.

TT: Random question: Are you a spinoff of Red Skull? You know, the Hydra guy?]

[GT: No they just didnt like my other prospective names.]

[TT: Like what?]

[GT: Are you ready for this? Better hope your socks are secure!

GT: The EMERALD TERROR!

GT: CERULEAN CONNOISSEUR!

GT: PADDYWHACK IN A SACK!

GT: GUN TOTING GREEN GENTLEMAN!

GT: PETER PANACHE!

GT: SKELETOR!]

[TT: Pretty sure Skeletor's copyrighted, sorry.]

[GT: Yeah i know but its not like the real deal is out there and i wanted a decent moniker! One that instills RESPECT!]

[TT: Whatever you say. So, we good?]

[GT: I guess.]

[TT: Awesome. See if you can hit the farmer's market around noon tomorrow.

TT: Weapons are fine, but don't brandish 'em.]

[GT: Thank you timaeus… Just dont pull any funny business.]

[TT: I won't.]

He signs off, already formulating a hare-brained plan.


	2. Chapter 2

The scene is set: Jake convinces The Felt to give him another shot and arrives at the agreed-upon time and location. Dirk watches from behind his screens, having surreptitiously secured the area with an assortment of drones. Roxy had ensured that The Felt never bothered to implement any monitoring features in the skulltop, so they were able to communicate freely. 

"Man, this kid's way too trusting. No wonder they kept 'im under locks..." 

Dirk instructs him to ignore the mouse-sized droid that lands on the wristband, and Roxy gets to work defusing it. It’s a very precarious process, as the whole thing's set to blow if any tampering is sensed. They all know that, but Roxy’s careful, Jake’s desperate, and Dirk is trying to keep his mind off of it so that he doesn't draw more attention than he already is with that ridiculous helmet. They thinktype back and forth about cinema and comics as he browses the produce stands. She successfully disables it within less than fifteen minutes, and it falls to the ground with a clatter. He cheers, unaware that passersby have stopped to gawk. One yells, "HE HAS A BOMB!" and sets the crowd into chaos. He panics and starts running, mouse droid now latched onto his jacket sleeve. 

"Ffffffffudgenuggets."

"There's literally no way this can end well," Dirk groans, resisting the urge to double-facepalm in order to keep surveiling the scene. The Felt car was stationed in a nearby parking garage, waiting to Uber him home. They see him running, hear sirens in the distance, and try to set off the device before he can come near. When he doesn't blow up, the driver barks some things at him, then speeds away. 

[TT: Just stay calm. They were probably afraid of you giving up intel upon interrogation.]

[I don't want to go to jail timaeus!! Ill either get offed there or have to be a phone operator for the rest of my days!]

[What? No. Listen, I'm going to meet you and try to deescalate it. Keep moving under cover- maybe they'll follow the car instead.]

He grabs his hoverboard and hurries to the window. Man, it's been a while since he did any fieldwork. He's kept himself conditioned, though. He swaps his shades for nearly identical goggle ones and speeds off, keeping track of his location and trying to beat the cops to him. 

He gets there at the same time as one of the searching officers and a hero. Jake has his hands up, backed against a wall. Of course, it's the most chaotic duo, lacking ethics and least suited for humane law enforcement. 

"Hey, uh. There's been a misunderstanding- he's innocent." 

Mindfang laughs like an anime villain, completely unphased by the situation. 

"Look who's off desk duty! Unless... you snuck out again?"

He remains silent, hoping his shades will help mask his expression. There's no point in lying; a quick call to HQ would confirm his status. He can't afford to get in deeper shit.

"Ohoho, you idiot! So predictable." 

"We'll deal with you, too," cackles Terezi, bearing her typical Cheshire grin. "As for the criminal, he's as guilty as they come. We might as well hang him now~" 

Jake is sweating bullets, and probably crying under the helmet.

"Wait, just listen for one goddamn minute."

Terezi tases Jake with the end of her cane, and he yelps, falling to the ground as he convulses. Arachnid handcuffs him once he stills, and Terezi glares through her red glasses, awaiting an explanation. 

"Fifty-nine, fifty-eight-"

"He was kidnapped by The Felt, and- I told him to sneak out and let me diffuse the bomb so that he could get to safety. If anyone’s to blame, it's me. Besides, no one got hurt- we handled the situation just fine, sans mild hysteria."

She contemplates his words for a moment.

"He should have called the police like a responsible citizen. You endangered civilians-" 

"It was our only option; he was set to die otherwise."

Mindfang laughs again in her shrill voice, hoisting Jake up effortlessly by his handcuffs and the collar of his jacket. 

"Greater good; one life over many. This guy's obviously a wimp, anyway. What can he possibly contribute to society?" 

"I can confirm the wimpiness; he reeks of pussy." 

"This is corrupt as all hell. You don't give a shit about what's right or wrong," he mutters before Terezi catches him offguard with his own tasing. 

"We are the law; your argument is invalid!" she cackles. 

The police van shows up shortly after, and they're tossed in, cuffs secured to the benches. The girls part ways, Mindfang swinging off in search of more hero-playing and Terezi hopping on her bright red motorcycle to zip ahead of them to the station.


End file.
